People talk a lot about motivation these days and habits are getting a bad rap.  Motivation is like the flashy trend that everyone gets behind briefly but is replaced by leg warmers the next week.  Habits are the steady, ever cool leather jacket that gets better with age and wear. Do we need motivation? Absolutely!  Will it save the day forever? No, not even a little bit. By now most everyone has heard Jim Ryun’s quote, “Motivation is what gets you started.  Habits are what keep you there”. I think it’s important to break this down.  

Studies have been done in the areas of addiction, academic performance, and social goals (just to name a few) that note the differences between motivation and habits.  These studies also indicate the importance of how BOTH are important to achieving our goals in the long term, i.e. maintaining these goals once achieved and continuing to evolve once said goals are completed.  

Motivation is what gets you started…

How does a person develop the motivation necessary to begin a more positive activity, lifestyle, etc?  They’ll need a good reason, the desire to change something, the belief that they are capable of change, and a need for change to occur.  So, lets apply this to an example:

Agatha wants to stop drinking.  She has alienated herself from her family and husband because of poor choices she makes while drunk, she spends a significant amount of money on alcohol each week plus what she buys on the internet after drinking is excessive, and she’s noticed her health suffering (weight loss, exhaustion, frequent vomiting).  She has stopped drinking in the past for periods of weeks or months and remembers these episodes fondly as times when she enjoyed her family, job, and pets as well as reengaging in swimming, a sport she always enjoyed.  

Sounds to me that Agatha has a pretty serious set of great reasons, desires, belief she can change, and a need to change her drinking behavior!  So how does she move this into actionable motivation? She will need to commit to the change, prepare herself for it, and plan how to do it then implement the plan.  

Agatha tells her family and husband that she is going to stop drinking.  She asks them to support her with this change by not drinking around her and by allowing her to be a bit cranky for a little while.  She also calls a counselor and requests and intake so that they can help her sort through her underlying problems that bring her to alcohol.  She makes a list of steps she can take in the next week and begins checking them off with some encouragement from her loved ones.  

That is one motivated lady!  Motivation takes a lot of energy.  It is difficult to get going. It’s difficult to get an object moving, but once it is in motion… now we have to discuss habits. 

Newton said an object in motion tends to stay in motion.  Can this be said of behavioral changes? Yes and no. Once a person has fully embraced their motivation they will enjoy a period of great success and a feeling of great achievement.  They deserve many kudos! Unfortunately, for many people, complacency sneaks in. It is easy to put off a part of a new routine occasionally once we see positive outcomes. To ignore the warning signs that we may be falling back into old, less desirable habits.  Let’s check in with Agatha:

Agatha successfully stopped drinking for two months.  She was swimming twice a week, having a big Sunday dinner with her family every week, and going on date nights with her husband.  She had chosen seltzer with lime and cranberry at every social gathering and watched as her health improved, her relationship regained intimacy, and her family began to reach out to her to spend time together again.  She was journaling, going to counseling every other week, and working in her gardens. Slowly, she started noticing that she was no longer looking forward to journaling every night. She started going to counseling ten to fifteen minutes late each session and told her family, friends, and husband not to worry about drinking in front of her or having alcohol in the house.  Fall came and she let her gardens gather leaves without much regard. She noticed her desire to have a drink during date nights beginning to take over her thought process and found it harder and harder not to resent her husband for “being able to” drink in their home. Eventually, Agatha justified having ‘just one’ drink with her husband at their home after a particularly difficult work day.  The next week she had two or three nights that she ‘just needed one’ drink, and so on and so on, until she was drinking at the same rate she had been prior to her seeking counseling.  

Ok, what do you see happening with Agatha’s motivation?  What about her habits? When she stopped placing importance on maintaining her healthful, helpful new habits she also lost that original motivation.  

The good news for Agatha and for everyone else, is that we can learn from these experiences.  We have the capacity to revisit and re engage in our healthful goals as often as necessary. Counseling can help us to hold ourselves accountable, to reflect on our desires, reasons, needs, action steps, capacity, and plan to see if we need to evolve or adjust any or all of these elements to help us maintain our healthful, helpful habits.  

In counseling, Agatha can encounter how she fell back into her old drinking habits and remember all the reasons she chose to stop drinking in the first place.  She can explore what led her to become complacent and how she can better prevent that in the future.  

If you have some major or minor changes you wish to make and maintain but find yourself having trouble with motivation or building habits to do so, call a counselor today!

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Clever title, right?  I can’t take credit for that.  My friend and colleague, Rose Schieck, introduced me to that phrase years ago and I have fully adopted it with clients and for my own purposes.  

Frequently, the thing that holds us back most persistently is our own negative judgment of our abilities, worth, or power.  Alternatively, we may “should” on ourselves if we are comparing something about us with something we believe to be true about other people.  This is most often shown through statements that include the word “should”. “I should weigh less”, “I should spend more time with my family”, “I shouldn’t think that”, “this shouldn’t be so hard”, etc.  Should, should, should all over the place. Where is this “should”ing getting anyone? 

It’s important to be honest here: personal expectations, goals, or an understanding of our limitations is important.  The word “should” rarely comes to a person’s lips because they are comfortably describing an area they would prefer to tweek, however.  “Should” appears in the conversations about which we feel guilty, shameful, less than, or deflated. “Should” connotes major self doubt/judgment.  Self doubt and judgment are not likely to encourage one to create healthier habits but they are very likely to reinforce a person’s negative opinions about themselves.  

In the interest of clarity, I can introduce an example of the difference between a “should”ing on yourself circumstance, and a productive description of how one wishes to improve:

Statement option #1: I should be eating better.
Statement option #2: I can take better care of myself by eating a healthy and enjoyable breakfast every morning. 

Statement one merely judges the speaker’s lack of self care whereas statement two expresses a desire to improve and a distinct, achievable step they can take to improve their self care.  Statement one reinforces the speaker’s negative self talk. Statement two provides a rewarding small step the speaker can take that will help them achieve their goal. Statement two opens up a discussion about all the options the speaker has control over.  Statement one basically notes a failing without any path forward.

The word “should” isn’t inherently bad, per se.  However, I can assure you that it is generally spoken with a sense of disempowerment, socio-cultural failing, guilt, or shame.  These, frankly, don’t help anyone. Consider the last time you told yourself something you should or shouldn’t be doing. Did it feel empowering, inspiring, motivating, encouraging, hopeful? I’m guessing it did not. 

If you find yourself engaging in this negative self talk (“should”ing on yourself) counseling can help you to acknowledge and adjust this thinking and ultimately your behaviors.  It may help you find the underlying beliefs, assumptions, or family culture that creates or reinforces this negative self talk so you can change them.  

Once you begin to pay attention to the “should”ing, you can reframe it!  Empower yourself to make positive change by going to see a counselor near you.

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Define… healthy?

Oh man, here we go again. Another one of those terms we all think has a clear, finite definition that’s ACTUALLY incredibly subjective. “Healthy”.

Lets all visit our instagram influencers with washboard abs, poorly hidden sham ‘health’ products, highly edited and photoshopped contributions and feel less than. Doesn’t sound fun? How about watching a big hollywood RomCom? That’s a way more accurate picture of stalking turning into a happily ever after type situation. Totally realistic. No? Perhaps listening to the mean mommies on the playground talking about their all organic, no screen time, swim classes for a 2 month old parenting style feels super accepting and doable. Visit the grocery store and buy the things with the green leaves on them. Those products are SURE to be additive/chemical/cruelty free… because green packaging.

Ok, back to the real world. Nutrition trends don’t work. RomComs are farcical to the point of being dangerous. Every parent is doing their best. Marketing makes shopping for the most nutritious option difficult. So where does this leave those of us who are making efforts to be “healthy”?

Let us break it down. I prefer the term healthful. Healthful implies more flexibility, personal choice, empowerment, and moderation. “Healthy” states there is one way, one end result of health. Below is a LOOOONG description of some different areas in which we can make healthful choices. We are going to revisit each of these in future blog posts, and in personalized detail in counseling sessions.

Physical healthfulness
Though none of these areas is more important than the others, I discuss physical healthfulness first because if your feeling physically unwell, you may not be able to focus on any of the other areas of your life you’d like to improve. Secondarily, some physical ailments can look very much like a mental health disorder. If we can easily treat a physical ailment and improve our mental and emotional health, why not?! So taking care of your body is paramount to taking care of your mental status, emotional well being, social life, romantic encounters, family relationships, occupation, and spirituality.
For some, the use of regular medication is a necessity. Others feel better physically if they are using as few chemicals or prescriptions as possible. The key is finding a reasonable approach with medical professionals when necessary, and following through with the plan until it needs to be adjusted.
Everyone, with very few exceptions, benefits from regular exercise and eating a wide variety of nutritious foods. Attend to your allergies. Push your body enough to help you become stronger physically or cardiovascularly (or both). Make efforts not to push your body to the point of injury. Weight is not the be all end all indication of health. Let me say that again in different terms: THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE DO NOT DEFINE YOU OR YOUR HEALTH. There are incredibly curvy individuals who are fit, and thin individuals who are struggling physically. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is off the BMI charts. Most famous models probably could not run a 5K.
The type of diet you choose is completely up to you. Veganism isn’t for everyone. Keto may not make sense for you. Carb free may sound like torture. What is generally agreed on is that choosing a variety of fresh vegetables (think lots of color), with a reasonable amount of protein (from whatever source you prefer), a minimal amount of processed sugars, and some carbs (do your best to find moderation) is a recipe for feeling good and living a long life.
If you have concerns about your physical healthfulness, meet with your primary care doctor. Questions about your diet? Nutritionists are covered under many health insurance policies. Health insurance not covering it? Try researching different diet options and weigh what will work for you. I will be happy to help you explore your options and assess any concerns you have about your relationship to your body, diet, exercise, medical diagnoses.
Refrain or abstain from substances, depending on your recovery status. If you are working on sobriety, consider the negative effects your substance of choice (and the other substances you may use in conjunction or in lieu of your substance of choice) may be doing to your physical healthfulness. Liver problems, cardiovascular problems, infection, and wounds can all go part and parcel with substance abuse and dependence. If you are working on becoming more healthful, using alcohol or other substance may or may not fit in with that goal. We can explore that in more detail together.

Mental and Emotional healthfulness.
Now that we have your physical healthfulness managed, we can look at your mental and emotional healthfulness! The number of important elements to being emotionally and mentally healthful are so numerous it is impossible to list them here. However, I’ll do my best to summarize knowing that I will be adding to this area indefinitely through future blog posts.
Here is the summary: Everyone need all the emotions, and thoughts are not facts.
We need ALL the emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, confusion… all of them. How they manifest looks slightly different with different people, however everyone feels them (barring truly rare mental health concerns). Counseling is useful if you are feeling these emotions in a way that is detrimental to your general well being. If you have extremes of emotions that cycle unpredictably, or if we simply cannot get out of a sad funk (for example). If you are putting your mental and emotional well being at risk in your relationships, at work, or due to trauma counseling can be helpful. As I said earlier, I cannot discuss ALL the emotional concerns out there, but this is a good start.
We have thousands of thoughts a day. They are not all equally important, factual, or reasonable. For instance, I could suggest you think about a purple elephant on a unicycle. You will have a picture in your mind of this highly entertaining pachyderm. Is this picture going to come true? Will you see Wilbur the circus elephant in your living room? No. Imagine that your anticipation of all the worst case scenarios are similarly unlikely. Consider that your fear about how your coworkers are judging you may be as misplaced as Wilbur’s acrobatic feats. Of course there are thoughts, fears, anxieties that are well placed. Counseling can assist in managing these probabilities, and planning for them in a reasonable way in order to maintain your mental well being and healthfulness. There will be future blogs regarding mental healthfulness and thought patterns.
Learning how to care for one’s emotional and mental healthfulness is counseling’s purpose. Accepting all the emotions as necessary and delving into the causes of intensity of said emotions is massively helpful. Challenging unhelpful or inaccurate thought patterns can decrease symptoms of anxiety, depression, mania, and substance dependence.
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Now is a good time to talk about balance. Balance is a term that is highly overused and continues to be relevant. We all have a finite amount of energy, time, and interest in these areas. How we prioritize social, romantic, family, occupational, and spiritual healthfulness is going to be highly individualized. While the details of physical, mental, and emotional healthfulness are also subjective, they are universally necessary, unlike some of the other ares we are about to discuss. There are individuals who are healthiest without romantic partners, a spiritual outlet, or a lot of socializing, for example.
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Social healthfulness.
Being introverted doesn’t equate to social anxiety. There, I said it. Being extroverted doesn’t mean you’re socially healthful. Boom, doubled up on truths. Being socially healthful is about respecting your personal needs regarding who you have in your life, and how you invite people into your life. Are these people supportive of you? Do you set comfortable, agreed upon boundaries? Do you feel content in the level of involvement others have in your life? Do you feel fulfilled in your friendships? Do you feel these relationships are reciprocal? If you’re answering no to these questions, counseling may be for you.

Romantic healthfulness.
First rule of romantic healthfulness is that everyone keeps their hands to themselves unless you’re laying hands in a consented upon manner. The terms of this agreement differ from romantic relationship to romantic relationship.
Romantic healthfulness hinges on fulfillment and teamwork. In order to achieve fulfillment and come together as a team, romantic partners must communicate. I cannot stress this enough. Communication is not talking at one another, it is not expecting miracles or mindreading. Communication is more about listening, understanding, and retaining information from your partner than winning a debate. Once you listen, understand, and retain information from your partner, and they you, you can go forward.
We cannot assume that there is one set of boundaries that apply to every relationship. Creating a healthful romantic relationship requires that each person involved is on board with the roles they fulfill in the dynamic. Some people are more comfortable in traditional gender roles, for instance. Others prefer polyamory. Most likely, you fall somewhere in between these examples.
If you feel that your needs, preferences, boundaries are not being respected or fulfilled in your romantic relationship, that this seems to be a pattern, or that you are distressed about how to go forward in your relationship, counseling may be for you.

Healthfulness in family relationships.
Now we have reached a sticky area. Family relationships are the basis of our coping skills, core beliefs, values, and manners of engaging in the world. Family relationships are not always healthful or helpful for us. Family is not guaranteed to be supportive, respectful of boundaries, encouraging, or loving. On the other hand, family can be one of the best assets in improving our healthfulness. Utilizing our family support in a way that is healthful is a major factor in improving one’s quality of life. Counseling can assist in addressing what balance will work best for you in achieving healthful family relationships. Counseling can also assist in addressing the ongoing patterns you may be recreating trying to “fix” your relationship with you mom/dad/brother/sister/aunt/grandma/etc with each relationship you now create.

Occupational healthfulness.
Are you a person who lives to work or one who works to live. Is your work-life balance fitting that need? Sacrificing your physical, mental, emotional, relational, or spiritual well being in order to work more more more is the American Way… right?
Again, it is important to acknowledge that each person’s healthful balance of work-life activities is different. However, if you feel you are not living a fulfilling life as a result of your occupational situation, counseling can help.

Spiritual healthfulness.
There are so many religions, spiritual belief systems, holistic approaches that people can follow. They differ in many ways: where and how to pray, what to worship, what days to focus on your spirituality. They are similar in many ways: join a community, find a way to be centered, acknowledge your own limitations and release what you do not have control over to a larger entity, be kind.
How you integrate or do not integrate spirituality into you life is completely up to you. If you find that you are not doing so in a way that is centering, calming, bringing you a sense of community, care, and kindness, we can discuss this in counseling. We can work to find a spiritual outlet that is healthful in that it meets your personal needs for that larger entity, community, message, centeredness.
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In conclusion, there’s a lot to talk about. Health is not a one size fits all situation. Healthfulness is a goal and value that each individual must achieve for themselves in a way that works best for them. I would like to help you find a balance of these areas (and any I didn’t think of here) in order to improve your quality of life.

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HIPAA, or the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, is legislation implemented by the federal government in 1996.  This act is meant to create known codes for electronic billing by medical professional and insurance companies across the board.  It also recognized that in doing this, an individual's privacy may have been put at risk.  For the purpose of protecting individuals from undue breaches of privacy, HIPAA was adjusted in 2002-2004 to require health care professionals and other health related organizations to maintain the privacy of individuals seeking care by penalty of law. 

In laymen's terms, if a doctor, psychologist, health care provider, or insurance representative shares information about your medical record with someone outside the purview of billing or care without your express consent, they can be legally prosecuted.  It also means that you are legally entitled to your health records within a reasonable time frame.  

For more information about the details of your rights under HIPAA, feel free to ask me or see www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-individuals/index.html

If you or someone you know is considering self harm, please call the Suicide Prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org.  You are not alone and there is help.

Here are some other national and local organizations that can assist with major mental health concerns as well as suicide prevention and crisis stabilization:
​​American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: afsp.org
​NAMI Virginia: namivirginia.org/
Veteran's Crisis Line: ​​www.veteranscrisisline.net/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3tXX05GU4gIVE9RkCh2i7Q1oEAAYASAAEgKdwvD_BwE
​Find your local Community Services Board for Crisis Lines and Psychiatric Emergencies: vacsb.org/community-services-boards-and-the-behavioral-authority-csbs-and-the-bha/

For moms and for people who benefit from unfettered self acceptance, love, and care: loveofmyleif.com